Criticism.  It stings.  Like a jellyfish, like a shot, like a cracked whip.

I ran across an old professor's blog today, and in a very recent entry, he mentioned an incident that occured between the two of us years and years ago.  This incident stemmed from a combination of my lack of preparedness for his class, and my immaturity in how I spoke to him.  His comments were not unfair~he and I saw the incident slightly differently, but he was not unfair~and it hit me hard, as his comments had to do with how I deal with balance, and being overwhelmed.

His timing is bad, because I'm frankly feeling quite unbalanced and overwhelmed at the moment, planning four mission trips for a total of 62 people, set to depart next week.  We have a separate group of people leaving a month later, and tomorrow I am taking 47 middle schoolers on a fasting retreat.

I'm not much of a believer in coincidence.  Lately, I feel my confidence being attacked daily, and this is just one more in a series of hearing other's slightly unfavorable opinions of me.  So I must ask myself, from where do I get my sense of self ?  Does it come from this professor?  Obviously, and truthfully, it does not.  Does it come from an opinionated colleague?  I know with confidence that it does not.  Parents of kids?  My friends, even my family?  My boss?

What is the Lord trying to teach me?  Maturity, for one.  It took all of my self control not to answer this professor smarmily and smugly.  But the original incident stemmed from my so-called smart mouth.  If I didn't learn from it, it was just a bad day and an ugly memory.  But I hope I can glean something from that day, in this day.

More importantly, though, I believe that He is teaching me that this man's opinion does not control me, define me, or mark me.  He is my marker, my judge, and the big eraser of all of my mistakes and short-comings.  Because my professor was right that day: I'm not good enough.  I'm just not.  At anything, really.  I can make really good cookies, but I suspect that God makes better ones.  I need someone to save me.  I need someone to love me.

THANK GOD, I have just that.